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Today on The Gottman Relationship Blog, we would like to share a striking TEDTalks presentation from Esther Perel entitled, ?The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship.? Fluent in nine languages, the Belgian native is one of the world?s most respected voices on couples and sexuality. Esther's lecture caught our attention after gaining over 1.7 million views since its posting earlier this year.?

In long-term relationships, we often expect our beloved to be both best friend and erotic partner. But as Esther argues, good and committed sex draws on two conflicting needs: our need for security and our need for surprise. So, how do you sustain desire? Why does good sex so often fade, even for couples that continue to love each other forever? Can we want what we already have? Why does sex make babies, and babies spell erotic disaster in couples?

We highly recommend taking 19 minutes to watch the clip above. Bonus points: watch it with your partner. Esther?s presentation style is articulate, insightful, and full of humor. After traveling the globe to study eroticism and romantic desire, she discovered that couples who maintain desire in their relationship possess what she calls ?erotic intelligence.? These couples all seem to possess similar qualities:

1. ? They have a lot of ?sexual privacy.? They understand that there is an erotic space that belongs to each of them. It is something that is sacred. Because of this, their eroticism is much more special and long-lasting when they share it with one another. We often write about building a Love Map of your partner?s world ? their likes, dislikes, dreams, hopes, desires, etc. The same principle can be applied to building an erotic Love Map of your partner?s most intimate desires. Intimate conversation builds emotional connection.

2. ? They understand that ?foreplay is not something you do five minutes before the real thing.? Foreplay ?pretty much starts at the end of the previous orgasm.? One of Dr. Gottman?s most famous sayings is that, ?Every positive thing you do in your relationship is foreplay.? The first step to improving your sex life is to think differently about sex. Once you start thinking of every positive thing as foreplay - a compliment at dinner, an extended goodbye kiss, extra help around the house - then the positive attraction builds and the negative stress fades.?

3. ? They understand that ?passion waxes and wanes.? They know how to bring it back, because they have demystified one big myth - ?the myth of spontaneity? that its just going to happen. According to Esther, committed sex is premeditated sex. Its ?willful and intentional.? Sure, spontaneous sex is great, but with work and the kids, we understand you don't always have time for it. There is nothing wrong with planning out a time for making love. Leave sexy notes for your partner or send text messages while they?re at work to build the anticipation. It?s these little things that make the most difference in long-term relationships.?

For more on intimate conversation, building erotic love maps, and maintaining desire in long-term relationships, check out our Gott Sex? Series. Reactions to Ester's lecture? Join the conversation on our Facebook page.

All for now,?

Michael Fulwiler

TGI Staff?

Source: http://www.gottmanblog.com/2013/06/esther-perel-secret-to-desire-in-long.html

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